Tuesday, March 2, 2010

From Epiphany to Destiny

A quick moment of clarity folks before I delve into my morning political reads later.
Many of you have browsed through some of my personal and emotional rants that occasional mental rollercoaster all of us reluctantly ride on.
If I were able to put a visual on what goes on upstairs you would see a battlefield that even George Patton would be proud of.
Unfortunately as with any major war there are causalities and unfortunately in my war far too many innocent victims litter the battlefield

Lacking the powers of Neo (Matrix) I lack the powers necessary to revive the dead as a result of those battles, those unfortunate causalities and what is worse those causalities left an emptiness because my mind kept processing different versions of reality because I kept chasing that “thing” that would presumable make me whole, chasing the thing that would seemingly make me happy and every time finding myself back where I started fighting the same tired old battles.

Many of you have no doubt seen Matrix. This exchange reminds me of what I have been experiencing over the years.

Morpheus: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?
Neo: You could say that.
Morpheus: I see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that's not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Neo?
Neo: No.
Morpheus: Why not?
Neo: Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.
Morpheus: I know *exactly* what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Neo: The Matrix.
Morpheus: Do you want to know what it is?
Neo: Yes.
Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work... when you go to church... when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else you were born into bondage. Into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch. A prison for your mind.

Imagine yourself being thrown into this hell like battlefield in a war you can’t seem to resolve in your head. That was my lifelong prison I was indeed trapped in this Matrix.

A couple of days ago I finally had this epiphany; I finally was able to resolve the many conflicts and battles that have raged in my head and in my mind. Kinda like Neo when the dudes are shooting at him and he discovers that he can slow down the bullets and watch them harmlessly fall to the floor.
My pain and anger was about to willingly inflict another causality, I guess you could call it friendly fire. Friendly or not it is deadly and the pain is tremendous.

I’m not saying that the long war upstairs is over because one thing I realize is just because the battle is over you still must do triage and the long process of rebuilding mental and emotional alliances must begin, self negotiation needs to take place, the treaty must be drafted and a lasting peace with thyself can hopefully become the norm. This lasting peace Lord willing will become my destiny.
I’ve been a very angry and bitter person for a long time and for the first time likely in my entire life that war is not raging in my head and it feels so wonderful.
I’ve been fighting this battle for a long time since I was a young boy and I am tired of fighting I want peace.

Lasting peace takes work and it takes a true commitment. I know it is much tougher and it is the true test of a man strength and character to keep the peace rather than to wage war with yourself and with those in your life.


Anonymous said...

Good medicine AND therapy for a long time has helped a lot of people become healthier. But it takes time and a lot of work. If your trouble dates from way back as a child there is a lot you will need to do to recover and not fall back. Rage combined with self-centered obsession and self-hate are common symptoms of narcissism. And not many can get over that problem. Good luck.

Gaius Lawrenitis Negris said...

I was turned on to some reading by a guy Rabbi was on Jewish World Review and his articles touched on some of the same material.
Oddly enough I have always rejected the notion of going back to school but I think I just may go back to study psychology and human behavior.
I have heard it said more than a few times that people who tend to go into the study do so to learn more about themselves and I would be no different.
I’m just nutty enough that I would be a fairly fascinating human guinea pig case study.
If anyone out there knows of one… THAT PAYS… I could really use the money, hook a brotha up. LOL!

Anonymous said...

Lottta narcisstic men exist. And think they are more special than anyone else. You are probably not all that unique to mental health experts. So you'll probably have to pay for therapy and school. But a lot of health insurance covers counseling. And your employer may pay for some college. Worth checking into. Learn. Change. Grow.