Monday, March 8, 2010

My personal pity party post with a pinch of politics

Doing Google University research you can find countless articles on happiness or what makes someone happy and definitions and essays on maintaining a positive image of ourselves. Certainly we all need to work consistently on maintaining a positive image of ourselves. We need to train our brains to think positively just as much as our bodies. Because of course as with any other exercise, if we don't use it, we lose it.
I am someone who has so many conflicting emotions it is staggering. Remember the post last week where I described the war in my head that rages day to day and my quest for peace inside my head, well just like the occasional car bombs in Iraq that rock the country from time to time that reminds us all that in some places wars don’t end they simply go dormant.
Over the weekend I stepped on what could be called a mental landmine and boy did it do some serious damage so much so that I’m not quite sure exactly how long it will take for me to recover.
I have been verbally chastised for some of my behaviors in the past and most of the criticism was certainly deserved. As someone who is prone to endless hours of processing sacrificing sleep and nourishment I try to mentally sort out those traits that has ravaged many a loved one in my past.
As a huge fan of the Sopranos I think the most interesting part of the show is that fact that they show this larger than life character (Tony) as this conflicted, confused, distant, angry and frail individual and oddly enough I seriously identify with him however I must say that Tony Soprano actually shows more compassion and empathy than I do as tough as that is to admit.
Despite my obvious flaws I did consider myself to be basically a decent man at heart but as I sit here this morning I for the first time in my entire life question that.
No I did not kill anyone or commit some heinous act of violence unfortunately I was simply being myself.
A huge mirror was put before my face and the reflective image was one that I could not bear to glance back at.
Although I have never been in trouble with the police and have never been arrested I feel like a man in a police lineup, all the men in this lineup are guilty of something and they vary from one indiscretion to another.
As much as many of us try to sweep our foibles under the rug and pretend they don’t exist I unfortunately am blessed with this portion of my brain that constantly cycle through my foibles in neon lettering much like a never ending PowerPoint presentation with sound effects.
We all are a work in progress constantly trying to figure out the secret formula that will bring us happiness, fulfillment and joy. Some of us even when we clearly see the warning signs of danger will still run back into the burning home to rescue that “thing” that may not be worth saving.
In relationships we know what is toxic to us but we still won’t avoid that chemical that is likely to harm or even destroy us. We enjoy brief moments of personal fulfillment to the detriment of truly examining how to achieve true long term happiness.

Sorry for the emotional blathering and the pity party folks… Many times I feel as if you people who come here to read my rants on a regular basis, particularly those of you who write me some wonderful and kind e-mails are a much a friend as anybody even though I have never met you personally.

As much as I want to try to concentrate on politics and the world, this morning at least the budget deficit, Sarah Palin, terrorists, Liberals, Democrats seem so trivial.

I shall endeavor to pull cranium out from rectal cavity so that I may attempt to move on with my life and become a better man and a contributing member to society and not this brooding self loathing individual.

******
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Democrats love to recycle bullshit talking points. They are incapable of accepting responsibility for anything We Inherited a Mess’
The White House senior adviser on the president's first year.

You do remember that she is a slum lord right?

Check out this spat that took place in Tampa between a doctor (who opposes Obamacare) and a patient (who supports Obamacare).

Hispanic and black businesses are receiving a disproportionately small number of federal stimulus contracts.

I thought Obama gave a shit about black folks and minorities... I guess not!

New Palin scandal: Leno might have piped in some laughter for her jokes

I’m not going to say anything…

Lib Talker Malloy Blames Glenn Beck for Pentagon Shootings - Newsbusters

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

You going to try therapy or just continue as you have in the past? Lack of empathy is another sign of
NPd narcisstic personality disorder. You bring up Tony this time and Neo last week. You are not mythic character. Just a normal man with some serious mental problem. Get therapy. Make amends. Feel for others. Care about others. Change. Good luck.

Gaius Lawrenitis Negris said...

Anno one thing you must understand is what I post here you must take with a grain of salt. I blog about what goes on in my life for my own cathartic reasons rather that simply entertaining the masses.
Me putting my thoughts down on this blog actually helps me it is my release that I choose to share. I have received some wonderful supportive e-mails from people because of my willingness to share and it has touched some people because they may be experiencing some of the same things.
This is my outlet to share what goes on in my head.
Whatever metaphors or fictional characters I choose to apply to my rants are for me. You can choose to accept them or not, you can take my words and apply whatever value you wish but it is because I am able to address some of my issues freely to complete strangers is of some benefit to me.
Unless you are a trained therapist or someone who has a true and genuine concern for my mental/personal health and well being any mental health conjecture by you or anyone else is basically pointless.
Please don’t make what I post here about you; I don’t need armchair amateur psychoanalysis because as broken as I may be in some respects I understand clearly what my issues are and what I need to do to address them.
I am my harshest critic and if I truly believed that your comments were intended to be helpful and supportive I would gladly accept them as helpful criticism but in your case it is not helpful, your comments are meant to be damming and condescending. For some inexplicable reason you continue to make my personal trials and tribulations about you.
I would never discourage anybody from commenting here but the next time you feel the need to comment ask yourself why am I commenting? Does it REALLY need to be said? Am I conveying something that this individual is already not aware of?
Before we choose to impart critique on our fellow man we must first ask ourselves is my house in order? Have I worked through my own trials and tribulations?

Last time I checked I was a living breathing human being and although I am candid about what goes on in my head and my issues I am under no delusions that I am any worse off than the countless examples of thieving, conniving, manipulative, wire beating, sexually exploitive, lying, deceitful, selfish, murderous, child neglecting, rude, stupid, socially retarded, psychotic, morally repugnant, socially inept, drug and alcohol induced pieces of shit excuses that pass for humans today.

Thank you, although I’m not the greatest man on earth I am certainly not the worst, far from it and I think God for that reality.

Just Sayin' said...

Gaius, I think you need a couple packets of seeds.

I like the wallpaper tray method best: fill it with potting soil and lay out the seeds in three shallow grooves. Then spray with about a pint of water and finally seal with plastic wrap until the sprouts are up. Put some drain holes about an inch up on the sides of the trays. I use a cheap soldering iron, but whatever.

When they get big enough and it's warm enough, transplant the seedlings outside. Then spend the summer taking care of them.

True, you might still be a pain in the ass to rest of humanity, but eventually you can give them a flower or two. Beats telling them about your damned mirror.

Gaius Lawrenitis Negris said...

Good idea J.S. I'm going to do just that and I will post a picture of my positive contribution to this earth.
Even a pain in the ass like myself can contribute something positive. LOL!

Anonymous said...

im confused
how does this person know you have serious mental problems. does serious mental problem have anything to do with the bitterness of a divorce. just curious

Just Sayin' said...

Anonymous, for you I recommend sunflowers for your front yard.

PeggyU said...

Personally, I've wanted to try those things they advertise on tv ... those upside-down hanging tomato planters. Nothing better than a vine ripened cherry tomato!