Thursday, July 15, 2010

Some People Don’t Like Me and I’m Comfortable With That

The other day I received a good number of e-mails on my blog post regarding race. Now I will say this as incendiary as my words can be on occasion I am shocked that I don’t get more hate mail. Frankly I just think that folks who come here either by choice or by accident figures that I must be on some sort of hallucinogens or chronically depressed and angry and that my rants are the product of a really fucked up childhood or something more sinister.

Amongst the e-mails was this anonymous e-mail trashing me on more of a personal basis and I’m thinking what the fuck. You know I’m a very low key guy I’m not a partier, I don’t socialize very much, hate night clubs but I do on occasion enjoy a night on the town listening to some live music. However other than ranting on this blog under an alias nobody knows who the hell I am and I would doubt would really give a fuck about me or my well being anyway.

So having said that this post is for those folks so for some strange reason have an ax to grind with me. Even though I am no longer in your lives maybe in your head apparently my glowing personality still permeates your soul.

Many of you regular folks no doubt read my rants on my less than friendly divorce drama and the side drama that took place.
Some are completely unaware until this moment that I read a lot of e-mail correspondence between folks who painted me as a cross between Hitler and Lucifer.
I can easily named dozens of people who likely hate my guts and not because of anything specifically I did but the perception that no doubt has been portrayed.
I understand that it simply makes folks feel better by castigating me as vigorously as the human mind can comprehend. It makes you wonder, if I can be rebuked so harshly now did the people espousing the hatred ever give a shit about me, did they ever really like me or respected me.

I understand the notion that people must choose sides but are we all willing to accept reality based on our own personal perceptions.
Now I totally understand why others have a beef with me, but the causes of that beef frankly are self inflicted. Many of us refuse to acknowledge that at this particular point in time if we are unhappy, if we don’t like what we see in the mirror, if we don’t like our situation or circumstance, if we can’t comprehend why our lives are spiraling out of control and why we can’t seem to get a grasp on why things may be fucked up for us some simply refuse to accept that we ourselves are the cause of our own discontent.
Some try to manipulate the people surrounding us and circumstances so we may try and get our desired outcome and some are foolish enough to believe that because of our actions we will indeed get those desired outcomes.
Some of us forever strive to align ourselves back into what we perceive as normal. But as this Einstein quote points out:

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.

Folks it took a lot of soul searching, it took some therapy, and a lot of prayer but I finally decided to move my life in another direction and apparently some of you need to do this as well I mean seriously.
I can’t be personally to blame for your personal angst and misery because I don’t control all of my circumstances it is in the hands and minds of others, so only YOU can be duped or misled.

I know I am a bit of a narcissist and the reality is most narcissists know that plenty of people can’t fucking stand them but they just don’t care because they’re “special,” or “gifted” or lots of other amazing qualities they actually are not. Hey what can I say I can be delusional but one of my great strengths is that I don’t believe nor have I ever believed that I needed validation from others to be happy I don’t need to be
unconditionally accepted by others, just because someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t have to matter.

How do I know other than by some lame hate mail I receive that some people don’t like me? It’s simple: I’m human. That means at times I’m obnoxious, irritable and certainly disagreeable. These negative aspects of people are simply part of the spectrum that composes the human psyche. These states make a person real. Humans are prone to drawing large-scale conclusions based on a small sample of behaviors; inevitably there will be those who simply dislike you for being a full person.

I read this quote from some dude some time back where is basically said:
“that one of the best ways to create misery is to work from the mindset that all people must like you at all times.”
You’ll fail at it, plain and simple. Not only that, but this approach to life will cause you to constantly be modifying your own thoughts, behaviors and identity to suit the perceived desires of those around you. This saccharine façade will ultimately be detected and people will know you aren’t being your true self. This just won’t cut it. I’ve always loved the saying the eyes don’t lie and the eyes are the window to the soul. I’ve focused on the eyes of the people I meet and associate with and it has never let me down.
You want to know what someone thinks of you look at them dead in the eye, you see a soul, see any life, do you see despair and pain, do you see disgust or disdain, do you see any joy? This is not rocket science people this is simple human behavior 101.

Now do I relish the fact that some people don’t like me because of my divorces, fractured relationships of friends and family or even acquaintances of course not, I’m not a masochist. Unconditional love at any and all times sounds so sweet. But I have to accept this fact, and that subtle difference can change everything. I can always prefer that things be different on this score, but knowing that it’s not going to happen no matter what I do makes my day that much more manageable because I can simply be me, free from the emotionally draining pressure of seeking validation from others either on my job or within the scope of my mundane life.

Some people learn this simply via experience, witnessing repeatedly that the world doesn’t end in an apocalyptic frenzy when someone dislikes them. This could be a friend, family member, spouse or hell even your children. Other people require a model, a therapist, a life coach or peer, someone to drive home the point that what we desire and what is necessary is not one in the same. And if you’re me, you need both, to help you sit with the fact that no matter what you do or say, someone won’t approve of you. And when you can simply sit there and embrace that, you recognize that nothing truly horrible happens, that what might feel like a glass ego isn’t all that fragile.
I stressed out for quite some time over the fact that things were said about me during the course of my post divorce drama and I started to post what I did to try and make sure my side of the story was told but if the mutherfuckers who quite frankly did not give a shit about me pre-divorce (I’m talking both divorces) nothing I could have said or done would have made a difference. There are some from my immediate past who I knew did not think much of me and treated my ex with some cursory disdain because they were like “why are you with him.” Now in my post on race was this disdain racially motivated or was there something deeper.

What, if anything, should you take from this? That it’s desirable to work on modifying specific behaviors for a greater good. However, this must come not from a desire to be loved by others but simply for yourself and the promotion of a greater society. In other words, you can change plenty of things about yourself, but accept that you are permanently fallible and that some will simply not accept you because of that. This will make your life much easier.


PeggyU said...

This reminds me of that episode of Frazier, where the station conducted a survey and only one of the sample listeners did not like the show. Frazier fixated on the one person who disliked him, ignoring all of the positive feedback from the remainder of the study participants. He ended up digging himself into a hole trying to please the one guy.

Gaius Lawrenitis Negris said...

Yes I remember that. Well I figure there are not way more people who dislike me and when you head clears from all the other much you finally just say fuck it, whatever we are all dead in 100 years anyway who cares.

Anonymous said...

In the first post today you mention ignorance. I'll relate that to this thread.

In the very beginning of one of my all-time favorite films, Hair, (no surprise there, right?) the dad tells John Savage, "Son, be careful of the dishonest folks, God'll take care of the ignorant ones."

Keep your chin up and keep on a blogging, even if, like I said, your politics are a tad messed up.