Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Battle Of The Mind: The Goal of Making Peace With Yourself... myself

How do we vanquish our fears and fight our personal demons successfully? Should we fight them at all?
It certainly takes a bit of spiritual fortitude to face your fears and battle your demons but is fighting them internally the best way to victory?
Whether you believe in literal demons who breathe fire from Hades or not, we all face personal demons that seem just as formidable as if they were in third-dimensional form.
Among those energies collective thought form entities that can appear overwhelming and bigger than we are stands fear, doubt, worry, shame, guilt and rage.

How we all choose to approach fighting demons says a lot about the path we choose as spiritual being as well. Though it may feel as if there really is only one way to win the battle of the mind.
During this past year I’ve obsessively read so much material on personal healing and I find that there are different ways of healing and transforming.
One of the most overlooked ways to work through our fears is through those who challenge us. Those who push our buttons the most may also prove to be our best spiritual teachers.
I can give a long laundry list of individuals that this applies to particularly over the past year and although these individuals spawn an array of emotions they all have taught me something about life and myself.
One way of fighting our collective demons without fighting lies in the way of accepting what is and releasing resistance to the present moment.
Acceptance of my life at the present moment is the most difficult thing I deal with these days.
Accepting my reality, when that reality can be so painful and undesirable seems like the last thing I would or could do.

Acceptance and non-resistance as a way to overcome fears and face personal demons seems in some ways to be admitting that a wrong situation is ok. I still need to and accept that isn’t what is being said at all in embracing the present moment with self-responsibility.
The idea of accepting the presence of a situation within which I am suffering or accepting the presence of a person whose actions resulted in pain for me, (when not necessarily their fault) seems in some ways to be a type of defeat that would leave me helpless and forever vulnerable. Over the past year I never knew that I was so vulnerable to so many conflicting emotions and the mind rollercoaster I speak about so often.
Seeking to avoid feeling weak and vulnerable, I fought against this idea of surrender into what is. I keep fighting it each and every day.
In other words, I fought against not fighting my personal demons. The need to resist them was stronger than my ability to see another way; the fear of not resisting them was stronger than the faith of having support to walk thru them.
This seemingly never ending fight some days seems to have completely slammed me to the point of having nothing left with which to battle anything.
one thing I am amazed by is I have not given in to the temptation to drink heavily or to engage in a bevy of illegal substances.
I’ve collapsed, had nagging anxiety all because I felt like I had no choice no control of a situation or circumstance.
I surrendered out of lack of energy to do anything else.

In the current stillness I seem to be gripped in nothing seems to be happened in a positive manner for me which is why this calendar year seems to have lasted an eternity.
I have not yet surrendered completely, tho if feels that was some days my mind just seems to go numb as a defense mechanism.
I have a choice to make when dealing with less than desirable situations and sometimes the answer is to do nothing at all and recognize that I own the situation.
I must learn to stand tall and fight in the only way that really ever works. I have to let the situation be… let each person, situation and circumstance be… whoever or whatever, and still be who I am in it.
The only way to allow a negative situation from recurring is to fully get it. Know my part in it. Be with the effects of it until I realized what it was in me that drew it, designed it crafted it and subsequently has me living it.

I am slowly realizing that fighting demons outside myself will never work. The reality is all of my personal demons originates with me and could only really be conquered on the inner ground of my own consciousness.

You know I joke (kinda sorta) about taking medications but I continue to resist the temptation because in some ways that would be the easy way out.
This year although painful in so many ways and joyous in other ways I have learned far more about myself, the good, the bad, the ugly and in some ways I don’t think I could have learned as much about myself if I were taking prescription mood altering medications.
I still have a lot of personal work to do, mending of the mind. I can only pray that I figure things out on a more timely fashion before I stroke out.

Now if I could just follow my own wisdom I’d be alright.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good heart felt post. Like I said below writing the personal stuff works for you.

Ed E.

PeggyU said...

Do you do photography at all? Might sound like a silly question, but I have discovered that a mood like this one is best for going for a walk and shooting things. The contemplative state of mind seems to produce the best photos.
Here is a site that better illustrates what I mean.

Gaius Lawrenitis Negris said...

Peggy:

Yes I do have photography in my background and yes I do lots of walking more so than at anytime in my life frankly.
As far as taking pictures yes I am the type to take pictures of all kinds of stuff when I’m out and about. I wish I had a better camera. The pic I posted above is an example, if someone can tell me what that is they get a prize…

My constant contemplative state is I am bobbling in and out of happy content moods and times to what can be described as the rug being pull out from under you moods.
I don’t like the inconsistency of my current life.
Before I simply existed but generally was content however that is not the way to live a life but that is my own issue.
Thank goodness I have this outlet because I need to vent and I discovered that writing and expressing helps immeasurably. Sure I could pay shrinks and do expensive meds but venting in this manner is the best medicine. I know who reads all this and I don’t mind, everyone I have ever come in contact with plays a role in who and what I am, I may not be in contact with many of these people, some who read hate my guts and likely take great glee in the fact that I may struggle somewhat, some are genuinely concerned and others read just because and that is fine with me.
My biggest issue is I know what I want and need out of life I know it just as sure as the sky is blue or the sun rising in the morning and right now it is like picking up mercury that is the frustrating part. So life for me right now is this big experiment or lets say a wine tasting. You taste many different wines and while an expert may say a certain bottle is better tasting, has more body, or is more expensive we all know what we want. Whether that is a favorite wine, a favorite flower, a favorite car or your favorite type of music. No matter how much we sample we all come back to our core likes and favorites.
Hopefully one day I will no longer have to go through life sampling.

What I need right now is to sit along an ocean and enjoy something simple.

Anonymous said...

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now


Hope you got a smile on your face.
Keep your chin up and watch out for the "left" hook!!

Ken

Gaius Lawrenitis Negris said...

Yes it definitely did. LOL! Thanks!
Need to make a Liquor store run now…

PeggyU said...

Liquor and a camera - yeah that'll turn out well! ;)

Anonymous said...

I think that what makes you unique is your unabashed honesty in your writing. Hope all works out well for you and keep up the good work. As someone else said your personal thoughts are far more interesting.
I enjoy reading them.

Kay