Monday, July 25, 2011

Monday Morning Diary Entry... What's Eating Gaius? Nothing I'm Cool :-)

“For centuries, writers have experimented with forms that evoke the imperfection of thought, the inconstancy of human affairs, and the chastening passage of time. But as blogging evolves as a literary form, it is generating a new and quintessentially postmodern idiom that’s enabling writers to express themselves in ways that have never been seen or understood before. Its truths are provisional, and its ethos collective and messy. Yet the interaction it enables between writer and reader is unprecedented, visceral, and sometimes brutal. And make no mistake: it heralds a golden era for journalism.”

I will admit, it does not take countless numbers of comments from the peanut gallery for me to be inspired to respond to someone or to come up with a semi-inspired rant on something about the human condition. It is not about the quantity of comment but every once in awhile one nudges me.

I know although I get a fair share of folks who peep this blog, I don’t know if some of you come here on a fairly regular basis just to gawk at the ranting Negro like the crazy monkey at your local zoo. (No that is not a racist example).
Or some of you are fascinated by my sometime brutal honesty, or maybe you are just bored and need something to laugh at.
Now remember few ads here that generate little monetary gains. A contribution here and there that amounts to a tank of gas a month. I hardly expect to get rich blogging, has anyone? I’d like to take in enough to pay a few bill and that is about it.
I’m not responsible to any advertisers or sponsors and I don’t give a shit about who I offend… for the most part anyway… I’m not a heartless bastard.

I do have some well hidden hostilities. There are a number of people with whom I sometime wish I could fucking unload on and before I take my last breath I will.
There is one individual whom I despise, another who I think is a complete and utter dumbass in fact I would categorize this individual as the most pussyfied man on the planet.
Several others with whom I would put in the complete and utter waste of human flesh category.
A few old bastards who I would categorize as closet racists but I would guarantee you would vehemently deny it.
We all have those in our lives and our past that upset our sensibilities. Now not all human beings are fucked up. I work with a number of nice people I am friends with a number of good people… not perfect but good decent people. If I were ever in trouble I know they would do just about anything for me.
Then there are those I love, I mean love with all my heart. I never knew nor understood what true love meant until recently.
Folks I’m talking about deep soulful love the kind of love that few human beings ever experience, it took 47 years but I finally understand the difference.
So I’m not lacking from compassion, or understanding and I have lots of regrets. There are people no longer in my life that I truly miss and it is painful to know you will never get those relationships back.
Some may say I turned my back on them and they would be wrong. Quality human relationships are something you should never take for granted again unfortunately it took me until the age of 47 to come to grips with that reality.

Gaius, what the fuck are you talking about? Yes and the proverbial tea in China question…

Ok some of you maybe… well not maybe… you ARE appalled at my sometimes harsh commentary on things and are shocked that I am not on heavy medications, maybe some of you would suggest that I roll up a “fatty” (they still call it that?) and indulge in some relaxing intoxicating greenery. I do on occasion, but can’t afford to indulge as much as I would like. Oh you right wing types don’t be shocked that this hyper-conservative ranting Negro smokes from time to time.
You see the term “conservative” has been mistaken for un-cool, closed minded, high brow, sick up the ass you name it and I am far from it.

The problem is we… ALL OF US refuse to tell the truth and it is this lack of truth telling politically, socially, personally that will destroy us all.
Some of us won’t tell the truth when it comes to our relationships (I was guilty of that twice), we won’t tell the truth when it comes to our shortcomings, our failings, our regrets. This is why we are so exceedingly gullible when it comes to political spin and how people like Obama can mysteriously and overwhelming memorize people into the most warped of realities. But this is not about Obama because long after he has left the political scene and is making millions from speaking engagements we will be bamboozled by some other retard in a shiny suit or pretty dress telling us stuff that we know is bullshit only that this individual will have the ability to bullshit us with eloquence, grace and flair just like a good ole country preacher.

I see this over and over and I know I’m repeating myself folks after all look at this blog as more diary more than some ranting political site.
People I don’t have a ton of hope for human kind. I watched the other day as that crazy bastard in Norway killed all those kids and you know in a strange way I blamed myself. I have been so hyper critical with today’s young folks I seemingly have thrown in the towel on the future of human existence I in some ways am launching bullets at young people through my keyboard.

It is almost as if I seek out and want to find fault with every human I come in contact with just to prove my point.
Every mile I drive down the road I am just waiting to witness the next moron who refuses to get the fuck over and allow me to pass, or that other idiot who is so immersed in his or her conversation that they fail to realize they are weaving all over the road.
Another belligerent “homeless” person asking for spare change or another exceedingly overweight person who is amazingly clueless to the fact that wearing an items of clothing showing off her jelly roll is visually toxic to the human digestive system.

Human kind weaves all over the road of life, we are as unstable as the drunk man taking to the road long after happy hour has ended.

People we can’t solve energy issues, or educational issues, or debt issues, or budget issues or terrorist issues you name it nothing can be solved until we fix ourselves and come to grips with wrestling our own individual demons. I watched a 60 minutes episode focusing on the fact that more than 40,000 people have been killed in Mexico’s drug war yet there is some clueless retard couple on their way to vacation on some sunny beach a stones throw from what will soon be another causality in this bloodbath. Is that even remotely logical? Can people be that woefully out of touch with reality? Well duh!
It is clear that we just don’t give a shit anymore but nobody is wiling to admit it or tell the truth about the state of human existence.

The other day I watch one of Dr. Phil’s programs on bullying. Folks whether or not you like Dr. Phil or not watch an episode and pay close attention to the parents of these fantastically horrible demon spawn children, teens and young adults most don’t have a clue that their child is a close cousin of the devil himself if you believe in such a thing.
I suppose you can blame it on lack of access to good medicines or violent video games but I think we are witnessing a transformation in human evolution and what we are evolving into is not good people.

Folks I know you have heard all this before I’m just expressing a symptom and a condition through my personal therapy session here. I can do this for free and once I hit “publish” it will live among the bowels of the internet forever. Someone will read this a hundred years from now and think damn this dude got it, sort of a Negro Nostradamus.
I don’t think there will be this magic date where human kind will be blown to bits by some massive asteroid. I believe it will be a slow and painful erosion of human existence.

You know what I truly and honestly wish for is for someone to read one of my rants and after reading be willing to take the time to convince me that I am wrong. A true exchange of intellectual or spiritual ideas that will help me achieve balance in how I view life and thusly effect what I write here.

A commenter said the other day that he thought that I did not give a fuck about anything or anyone’s opinion and that could not be further from the truth.
I understand those of you the few liberals brave enough or crazy enough to pay attention to what I write here would wish I would die a horrible and fiery death because I attack all of your leftists sensibilities.
I can’t help it because my disdain for liberals goes back to childhood just as my disdain for the Catholic church. True shit, I have witnessed on more than a few occasions in a church back in Oakland, California priests screwing around with young boys it was the first religion that I was truly appalled by because I witnessed many of the actions that later came out in news stories.
I kept these revelations from my ex who I doubt reads my blog anymore because she was very Catholic and I did not want to hurt her feelings.

I can’t change my prejudices from liberals to Muslims, to idiot Negros to racist white trash or your average Joe or Jane they come from my observations and I am one of the most observant people on the planet, I miss very little I have the uncanny ability to see the tiniest speck of dirt on human kind and trust me when I tell you it is not a good feeling most days.

I am hyper emotional, I cry likely far more than the average human being just that few people ever see it.
Shit I cried at a part of the animated movie “Despicable Me.”
I cried at an episode of the ESPN show E-60 one segment about this dude who lost his legs in Vietnam and his wish was to play St. Andrews golf course in Scotland with his friend who would later die of cancer. He would go on to do so on his own spreading his friends ashes on one the famous bunkers.

I cried while watching a documentary on the Freedom Riders because still today I can’t grasp just how wickedly fucked up some white people were back in the day almost as if they had some mental disorder via some alien chemical injection. I honestly believe that human kind is devolving into that level of stupidity. The racist component won’t be there, that will continue to erode but human kind won’t be able to process much else.

Collectively we are so incredible mean and selfish and short sided. I know some of you may be screaming at your computers saying what the hell dude do you not read your own writings and your vitriolic tone, oh I get it and I’m not totally ignorant to the irony.

I’m not terrible religious, and I have rejected God often over the past couple of years sometimes many times a day. But I have made a conscious effort to pass on a brief bit of goodness to folks. I’m far more likely to say hello to a passer by rather than give the “fuck off” look to someone.
I am very cogniscent of saying “please“, “thank you” and “your welcomed” an old pet peeve of my ex, don’t tel her… I don’t take a conversation with a friend, loved one or a love for granted no matter how seemingly insignificant or brief.

Oh God I have a long way to go because I do want something of great value from the Lord and it is not money, fame, personal recognition nothing superficial or worldly.
I know I will never receive this “gift” if I don’t improve my own damn self. I recently received my first tattoo as a symbol of my goal.

Does this necessarily mean a kinder gentler Gaius, not necessarily because here on this blog this is my therapy sanctuary and if I don’t let out what bothers me about this world whether that be politically or socially I will explode.

For those of you who question “what the hell is wrong with you dude” just keep in mind that if you read me ranting and cussing up a storm here I’m not runing over someone in my car, or ramming a golf club up someones ass, or cutting off someone in traffic or any other human examples of mayhem which is exactly why I would never EVER own a gun. If I did I can honestly say with absolute certainty I would have killed one particular individual. I’m all for gun ownership, just not in the hands of people like me, witness Norway. How you regulate that is a discussion for another blog.

Oh and for me writing about those that I hate and disdain above I promise I will take my hostilities to the grave.

I think everyone should either blog and or have a diary. I want people to get and understand me, we need to have a better understanding of each other because people if we don’t I guarantee you someone will be preparing to take out their frustrations on the world in a far more hostile manner than banging out text on a keyboard. The pen is no longer mightier than the sword… or say an AK-47.

Have a good Monday and a good week.

Gaius

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