Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Complete loss of faith in humanity, the future of this nation, god, religion, life…. Obama is only part of the problem.

Ever since I started blogging some time ago I have been a pessimistic bastard. I have complained about everything from liberals, Democrats, Muslims, Society, schools you name it just about everything has been on my proverbial shit list.
One of the things my ex said about me that is very true is the fact that I lack the capacity to be happy. I have been at various points in my life content, but as I sat in my apartment staring at my hallway wall full of family pictures recently I discovered that throughout my life I have been living that life on an emotional flat line.

Many years ago I had a discussion with friends and I was asked what was the happiest day of my life.
I am about to commit blasphemy and not say it was neither of my two wedding days, nor the birth of my only sperm donated child. The happiest day of my life was a 27 hour period spent with strangers on the island of Corfu in Greece in the summer of 1984.
Trying to describe every detail of that wonderful day would take far longer than I wish to spend here on this blog but I can convey to you that I did nothing illegal or immoral. The saddest moment came as I watched the last of this friendly posse of 15 individuals a mix of guys and girls some from the United States, Australia, England and Norway. The majority of this group were traveling together backpacking throughout Europe. Many were from wealthy families and were taking a break from their educational pursuits exploring the world. Myself along with my Air Force roommate met up with the first few as we disembarked from the Ferry after traveling throughout the night from Brindisi, Italy.

What made this day special was the fact that about halfway through it I knew that this day was special. The weather was perfect, every beer we drank was ice cold, every meal was a culinary delight, everyone we met or interacted with acted as if we were a long lost relative or friend. No arguments, no fighting, no debating just the perfect mix of what it meant to be alive on this beautiful planet.
I said that this time frame was roughly 27 hours but it seemed like a lifetime because I treasured every single moment, I took in every sight, smell and smile it was spooky because as I said I knew this was special and oddly enough I also knew that I would never be this happy again.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had some wonderful moments in my life, weddings, the birth of my child, family gatherings and outings and great moments with some of my friends but those moments were nothing more than the blink of an eye.

Up until I arrived in Kansas I lived life one day at a time. Although my childhood was not horrible there was nothing particularly meaningful about it. I had a very tumultuous relationship with my father, to be perfectly blunt I could not stand the man. No he did not beat me or anything weird or fucked up like that but he was never really a father to me in the truest sense of the word father. He was just a dude who happen to be there that was married to my mother. I do know that some of the best and worst of me are indeed because of him and the older I get the more I regret those traits.

I have a terrible temper and don’t suffer fools well. I loathe stupidity and ignorance, I am very impatient and very vengeful. But what I am is I am very loyal to those who treat me with respect, if I consider you a friend you are a friend for life. I will never ask any more from anybody than I am willing to give myself. I’m a decent guy for the most part, I’m not fake, I say what I mean and mean what I say. I am devoted until you give me a reason not to be and when you fuck me I’m done with you I am not a very forgiving person towards those who cross or screw me and if I want to retaliate I will do so with everything I have risking just about everything because at this point I really don’t have shit to lose.

In the last year and a half I have prayed more and have done more soul searching that I have at any point in my life. I did not want to always have my most important day in my life be with a bunch of strangers. That day was important to me because it was one of the few days in my entire life when I was accepted as a human being. No prejudices, all of these strangers were white. They did not see me as a black man just a nice man and accepted me and trusted and wanted to enjoy my company. Several of the young girls were very beautiful but again to be honest there was no sexual tension, I did not look at them as sexual objects or a quick possible lay. We sat in numerous places talking about everything. Politics, religion, our futures. We marveled at the sites and the history of the island we toured on our mopeds.

Although we drank, not too much because we did not want to get drunk, the sights, the sounds, the people were as much intoxication as was needed to enjoy the day.
For that day I knew I had the capacity to be happy and I had been seeking that ever since. As I got back to the states a few years later I tried to fill those holes with relationships and marriages where I did not totally give myself. I loved but was never in love. I tried to be the best dad I could be, I involved myself in community endeavors which did gain me some personal satisfaction.
I had a lot of really good moments in both my marriages, but to be frank I was not totally into either relationship and I lived a lie.

Recently I discovered that I could really give all of myself and prayed on just how to do that. I have been to a number of church services to various congregations but all I see now when I go to church or watch some TV evangelist is a bunch of people detached and as empty as I am.

Church attendance is suppose to be up but I read so much moral and emotional decay everyday. I had glimpses throughout the past year of true happiness but each and every time I get the moral equivalent of having a ton of bricks dropped down on my foot and the subsequent amputation of my mind and soul. I walk with an emotional limp every fucking day.

I have been humbled beyond belief I actually have to pay really close attention to what and when I buy. My favorite store is the Dollar Store, I don’t go out much and have focused so much attention to trying to win one particular heart and not even the most hearties and passionate of prayers did any good in that regard because when the soul is broken humanity and the capacity to love can’t exist no matter how hard you try.

I’m broken too but in a different way but when I do get out I see people just as empty and angry as I am. So many around me are living the same ridiculous lie of life. We just exist, we go to work make a meaningless contribution some of us get paid more than others for that contribution then we go home to empty loveless, fuckless empty lives and accept that. I tried to not do that, I tried to be something more but as that failed every time I sit down to read and find stories for this blog I read so much fucked up shit, I thought that when I took my blog break that the pain would subside because if I just ignored the world around me I could become blissful and content, didn’t work in fact it got worse.

One day I watched a TV sermon that seem to hit close to home and for a brief moment as this charismatic man in a country voice talked about the power of prayer, forgiveness and salvation I started to tear up because I’m thinking if I just prayed more and focused on healing my heart I could be saved. But what fucked it up as immediately after his powerful words a loud ass commercial for this dickheads church came on and now here he was asking me to make a fucking donation to his fuckass church and I’m thinking that is god in a nutshell. A few meaningless supposedly passionate syllables followed by give me an arm and a leg if this salvation is to take place and if your soul needs to be saved.

A few years ago while the ex and I were in Vegas we attended a church with a friend. Huge church surprisingly big attendance for a Saturday evening service. Now it being Vegas it was not out of the question that this would be just like any other show in Vegas simply with a religious theme.
At the time the TV show “Lost” was a big hit, I never watched the show because frankly it was way too fucking convoluted for my taste but that is neither here or there. The pastor dressed in casual clothes started his passionate sermon but one thing immediately bothered me. About ever other sentence the mutherfucker kept talking about drinking coffee. Now this is Vegas on a hot early Saturday evening and the last thing I’m thinking about is drinking a fucking cup of coffee. But dude keep repeating this and it got to the point where it bugged the shit out of me.
After the service as I’m walking out, what do I see a fucking Starbucks prominently displayed in the main corridor, don’t know how I missed it going in but there it was and the obvious bulb appeared overhead and I started to laugh and was thinking how much did Starbucks pay this fuckwad preacher to say the word coffee throughout his sermon. I had never seen anything so convoluted in my life. Any words of wisdom from the almighty pissed down the drain with the help of coffee, that is organized religion in a nutshell and if there was indeed a god he would have leveled this place, but I guess seeing your image hanging on another cross has its appeal even in the shadow of a Starbucks.

The Catholic church has been in moral decay for generations because priests can’t keep their fucking hands off young boys. A prominent Baptist preacher in Atlanta is accused of molesting young boys for years, another in Carolina raped a young girl I believe 10 times. Countless stories of theft and embezzlement throughout churches across this nation. Muslim in other countries kill and torture Christians I guess in the name of Allah. Religion is a cesspool of inhumanity and it breeds contempt for those who are not like you. I wrote long ago that religion is the most segregated thing humans engage in. Blacks go to their black church, whites goes to theirs and Koreans theirs and so on. I always marvel at how many times I have gone into a white church and had people look at me like I was from another planet and I though it was suppose to be the “lords house” what a completely laughable concept.

My brother and grandfather two of the most spiritual and “Christian” men I have ever known I’m sure if they would read this would be turning over in their graves if I believe in such a thing. No people they are not looking down on me as people like to say. Think about it, the notion is a silly one. It is only in times of need and solace that people claimed loved ones from the past look down upon them.
Ok but what about when you are drinking yourself in a stupor or having your brains fucked out or masturbating to some porno you think your loved ones are not looking down upon you then enjoying that show too? No people because if our loved ones can indeed look down upon us they would be appalled and vomit. When I die I seriously don’t want to be looking down upon this shit, life is bad enough living it you actually think I want to be enjoying the show when I am mercifully taking a dirt nap?

Now don’t confuse me with being an atheist because frankly atheism is as much a religion as being Christian or Muslim because atheists are obsessed with trying to convince the masses that there is no god or any other higher power. (Atheists Attack 9/11 Cross)
They drive themselves nuts shouting from mountain tops wanting people to listen to them because they have intellectual insights that few earthly mortals are privy to.
I’m not here to “bash” anyone’s beliefs, I do acknowledge the need for faith in peoples lives and believe it can be an important part of a persons humanity. I’ve just been so emotionally screwed I’ve simply taken a big leap off that religious cliff.

I watched that Indiana stage collapse the other day and as I watched that stage collapse I’m thinking the moments prior to it falling with the strong wind tendering the supports that is the state of this country right now. A huge audience watching a once great nation losing to the wonders of nature and all of this shit is about to collapse.

Consider the following:

Great Grandmother Dead in Stabbing Deputies: Great Grandson Stabbed Victim with Sword

Second Tibetan Monk Burns Himself to Death in Protest

SHOCK: Man charged in beheading of disabled son

COPS: Man Beat Dad to Death With Weed Wacker...

'Yes We Can' social club busted for drugs, prostitution

Drugs Found On Deceased Megachurch Pastor

5th Man Accuses Bishop Eddie Long Of Gay Relationship

ACLU Sides With Sex Offenders

Using Young Girls to Market Adult Fashion Borders on Pedophilia, Former Model Says

Thieves Targeting Valuables Inside Philly Churches

Anti-Gay Republican Accused Of Soliciting Black Male Prostitute

D.C. Politician Accused Of Stealing Money Meant For Youth

Should the government try to stop discrimination against ugly people?

Lyle Monroe Bensley, Self-Described Vampire, Accused Of Biting Woman, Telling Cops 'He Needed To Feed'

Keemonta Peterson, Mother, Gets Probation In Home Circumcision
An Oregon woman who tried to circumcise her 3-month-old son at home after reading the Old Testament and watching YouTube videos has been sentenced to five years of probation.
Ismael Ambrosio Mugshot Shows 'Fuck' The Police Tattoo Across His Face

Kim Kardashian takes x-ray of rear end to prove it's real

California considering new law on … fitted sheets

Brace for another U.S.-Mideast war

Tax the super-rich or riots will rage in 2012

Fucking idiot ass president: OBAMA: I Reversed Recession Until 'Bad Luck' Hit...

It’s no time for a presidential vacation
By Colbert I. King,

Is there anyone in the White House with nerve enough to tell Barack Obama that Martha’s Vineyard is the last place on earth that the president of the United States should find himself next week?

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t begrudge the chief executive a little time off from the Oval Office.

But to be leaving town to spend 10 days luxuriating in an affluent, New England summer town when millions of Americans can’t find work? To fly off to the Vineyard when the public is losing faith in Washington’s ability to fix the nation’s economic problems, and with people anxious about their futures?

What is he thinking? It’s not as if the Obama family is living in deprivation in Washington.

Without leaving the White House grounds, they have access to five full-time chefs, a tennis court, a bowling alley, a swimming pool, a jogging trail, a putting green and a movie theater that shows first-run films on demand. That’s hardly roughing it.

And if the president ever feels the need to get away, let’s say to seek a little solitude and tranquility beyond the confines of hot and humid Washington, the American taxpayers have thoughtfully provided a secluded country residence for the first family’s exclusive use in Maryland’s Catoctin Mountain Park. It’s called Camp David. A hardship post it is not.

Camp David comes equipped with 24-hour guard service, including fighter jets, to keep gawkers and riff-raff out of sight. For presidential enjoyment, Camp David’s wooded mountaintop has a swimming pool, a sauna, tennis courts, a bowling alley, a trout stream and movie facilities, again with first-run features on demand.

Plus there are guest cottages should the Obamas wish to have a few friends over.

And, of course, highly trained chefs are also on hand to provide top-quality meals.

Ah, but that seems to be not enough when stacked against Cape Cod.

A Post poll this week showed confidence in Obama to make the right decisions for the country’s economic future is down 10 points, to 33 percent, since January. His vacation decision making ranks right down there, too.

This is not the way a president should be spending his time. Not when, for the first time in U.S. history, the country’s credit rating has been downgraded; when so many families are barely scraping by, many not knowing where the next mortgage or rent payment is coming from.

The Ignorance Of King Barack The Dunce

Barack Obama has achieved the lowest ratings for any US president at this stage of his first term in office for 32 years.

Obama’s approval also tied all-time lows among women and blacks while hitting an unprecedented low among Democrats.

Is the White House seriously contemplating the creation of a new department, the Department of Jobs?

At the rate Obama's policies are destroying wealth, the pool of millionaire taxpayers may be too shallow to provide the windfall the redistributors hope for.

Recently part of the symbolic stage fell on me with a crushing blow it has seemingly battered the soul to the point where I have not slept in several weeks. Think about this people I have not slept a single moment in almost three weeks and it is driving me to the brink of complete insanity.

I relied on one glimmer of hope for which I prayed for more than any single thing in my entire life. Not more money, fame but something that than give me back my humanity and I could not even obtain that.
I did not offer to sell my soul to the devil because frankly now people the concept of a “devil” is as laughable to me as god. Mankind is so ridiculously frail we will pray “to” just about anything out of desperation look above things suck ass right now!
We kill in the name of religion, religious sects compete with each other on who can build the biggest church and I have several large churches around me but just as I found out in my dealings with community issues these churches don’t go beyond the walls of the congregation because most people who attend these massive religious enclaves are the most selfish self absorbed fucks on the planet. Imagine feeling smug on a Sunday morning because your blessed soul get to attend services in some shiny temple with comfy seats while the rest of the world burns around you.

I remember attending church as a young boy and understanding then that church was nothing more than choreographed bullshit. The playing of the music at a certain time, the standing up the sitting down as if saying the words standing up meant more, or maybe kneeling gods words are much more powerful saying them as you are kneeling.
I was married to and was around in both my marriages some of the most supposed religious people I’ve known but I was never really able to communicate with them in any meaningful way. If I truly meant anything to these people I would at least have had some basic communication with them today, but I have absolutely no communication with members of any family members or friends from either marriage because I was cast out into the bowels of hell deemed unworthy of their presence in my life, because a marriage failed and I was treated just like a nigger. This is why I personally don’t have a problem with KKK or skinhead types because at least that have the decency to say exactly what is on their mind and in their heart no matter how vile or despicable.

What is worse having people be fake to you for years pretending to love and give a shit about you thinking you’re a nigger just not saying it or someone with the fucking balls to say it to you. I hate you and you hate me is that not the old Barney tune.

So much in this world is fucked up and the notion that a god and a prayer can resolve this crap is such a ridiculous notion to me now I can no longer conceive of anything so ridiculous anymore. I don’t believe any more, I’ve completely lost my moral fiber. I’m not going to steal from anyone or kill anyone. I will try to fill the rest of my days contributing what little I can because just to show how fucked up my life is besides being with my grandkids my job and expressing my feelings on this blog seem to be the only joy and low turmoil thing I have.

Is there hope for me as of this very moment I honestly don’t know. Maybe something will resurrect my spirit and regain my hope and faith in some higher being. But to be honest I think all of this should be blown up and all of this shit needs to be wiped away and all of this started over.
All of this may shock some of you others may glance at it and sneer others may be like what the fuck and other may tell me as I have been told before “get laid” I’m just being honest people, remember this blog is my diary in a sense I simply choose to open it up to you folks who choose to spend a moment waiting for me to post the latest crazy shit. If any of you have any suggestions on how to regain my faith please feel free to make. Maybe if I could just get a little sleep that may help. I’ve been told that a person who can’t sleep has a restless and empty heart and frankly now that fits me to a “T.”

If you are currently “happy” don’t take it for granted. Take it from someone who at this moment doubts that he will ever be able to be happy again.


Via Moonbattery


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